What I’d do as President, Part I

I read the news every day but until last year was extremely apathetic in regards to politics. I think watching the Daily Show and the Colbert Report is the main reason that changed, and now I have political opinions. People often ask me, “Fligtar! Fligtar! What would you do if you were President of the United States?” That’s easy.

Illegal Immigration, Terrorism, Overcrowded Prisons, Unemployment

I would construct (not personally) a mile high bullet-proof, fire-proof, Mexican-proof wall visible from outer space. And just in case, it would be covered in purple grease that ruins clothes and stains skin for weeks. This wall would extend around the entire country, with only 5 openings:

  • a small gate in California for the Pacific Ocean so that oil can get in
  • a small gate in Virgina for the Atlantic Ocean so that oil can get in
  • a mouse-hole sized, eye-level opening in Texas, sure to become a huge attraction in Mexico
  • a small gate in Louisiana for drainage after hurricanes
  • a huge gate in North Dakota, which shall be discussed shortly

These gates and walls should resemble those of Age of Empires II as closely as possible. (See figure below)

Before the gates are sealed, an announcement will be made and US citizens around the world will have 10 days to come back. Once the gates are sealed, no one will ever be allowed in again. Ever.

Convicted criminals of minor crimes (child abuse, opposite-sex marriage, identity theft) will be thrown out of the North Dakota gate into Canada. Convicted criminals of serious crimes (rapists, murderers, homophobes) will be thrown out of the North Dakota gate into Canada and then taken to Alaska where they will live without a jacket forever. Alaska and Hawaii are not able to be included in the “Freedom Zone” and must be used for storage (Hawaii) and storage of criminals (Alaska).

This will ensure that the United States is always a population of good, soft-working Americans and takes care of our illegal immigration problems, terrorism, overcrowded prisons, and unemployment (at least until the wall is finished).

Did I mention the wall is also 300 feet deep underground?

The Fair No Child Left Behind (history joke)

I don’t like kids. At all. But I have come to realize that that doesn’t have to be the case. Maybe if our education system was changed, kids would be more tolerable. I would reform our education system to teach children what they need to know, not what they don’t need to know (I’m looking at you, Spanish). Children that do not have at least 5 certifications by the time they finish high school will be sent to Canada.

Elementary School

  • Computer Basics
  • The Internet
  • Google
  • Beginner Hardware and Software
  • MS Paint
  • Microsoft Office
  • History of Computers (Did you know there was once a browser called “Internet Explorer”?)

Middle School

  • Open Source Culture
  • Spyware Removal
  • RSS
  • Intermediate Hardware and Software
  • Photoshop
  • Animated Gifs
  • JavaScript

High School

  • PHP and MySQL
  • C, C++, C#
  • Java
  • Flash and ActionScript
  • Advanced Hardware and Software
Social Security and Taxes

Waste of money. I don’t want you to take my money now and give it to me later. My program will give me extra money now and take it out later, which is convenient if you die before the deduction age (120).

Unsolicited email shall be assessed a tax of 1 cent each. This is the only tax that will exist, as it will more than cover our needs.


We don’t really need them; they only pass laws that benefit themselves or their friends. Congress will be moved to Hawaii where it will reign supreme.

Homeland Security Banned Stuffs

In addition to not being able to take the following stuffs on an airplane (there are no airplanes, remember?), these stuffs are not allowed anywhere in the United States:

  • Rap “Music”
  • Country Music
  • Anime
  • Chia pets
  • Gilbert Godfrey
  • “ou” in words that should only have “o” (color, honor, favor, etc…)
  • Unregistered Macs (owners must have license)
  • Guns
  • $3 bills
  • The movie Pearl Harbor
  • the Catholic Church
  • Vegetarians
  • Tomatoes
  • STDs
  • Side-impact car collisions
  • Cancer
  • Fred Phelps and WBC
  • Jimmy Fallon
  • Pirahnas
  • Bubonic Plague
  • “My Humps”
  • Buses that stop at railroad crossings
  • Railroads
  • Applesauce
  • Windows ME
  • MSN
  • World of Warcraft
  • More than 1 cat per household
  • Women’s suffrage hockey
  • Stinging insects

This list may change at any time without notice and may include other stuffs not shown above.

Stay tuned for my plans regarding Foreign Policy!