What I’d do as President, Part II

Note: In case you didn’t catch the “Part II” in the title, this is the second part of a series. You should probably read Part I before this one. Thanks!

The Rest of the World

There is a common belief that Americans do not know as much as they should about life outside of the United States, especially in regard to basic geography. This could not be more untrue. I know for a fact that the eastern hemisphere is mainly composed of a green blob smoking, wearing purple pants, and lounging on a chair.

In order to maintain relations with the other countries, each country would be strongly encouraged to create a profile on the new country-networking site MyLargeAndAggressivelyDefendedSpace. This allows for easy communication with the leaders of countries, as well as trading hot pix of Belgium.


In exchange for letting us dump all of our criminals into Canada, Canada will pay the United States $1 million (CAD) each week. After the conversion, this will be suitable for buying a hot apple pie from McDonald’s…. possibly two.

The Internet

In order to be fair to the other countries, I would create a new country on one of the islands of Hawaii whos only function would be to control the Internet. It would not be under the control of any government except its own and the United States. It would abolish the Soviet Union’s domain name, because it’s just dumb.

I would outlaw outsourcing and make Dell display their website text only in Urdu, since that’s what their customer service representatives speak.


The rest of the world will not really be an issue after the new wall is constructed, as no one will ever come into the US and only criminals will leave. As you can see, all of the United States’ problems would be easily solved if I were to become President. This concludes Part II of the series on Foreign Policy.